Reflection

'Even if you chose to do nothing, life will still happen to you,' - I'm paraphrasing there because I can't remember exactly how it goes. I can't even remember who said it, or where I read it in the first place, but the fact remains, I find that a really comforting thought.

It's not usually my style to leave life to chance and take a step back from action. I'm usually the first to berate myself for not putting enough effort into a situation, for not making things happen fast enough. But I find it a reassuring to know that not everything is down to me. That even with all the will in the world, things might not go as expected. Besides, how boring would that be?

Do you believe in fate? It usually seems to be a nice idea used to cushion the blow. 'It's ok, you weren't supposed to get that job, because the perfect position is just around the corner'. You get a lot of pre-ordained talk concerning relationships in particular, 'Mr Right is out there, just you wait and see!' People seem to be all for the idea of a pre-determined plot when shit hits the fan or when life feels a little hopeless.

That's always seemed a bit weak to me.

Pick a side - do you like to think life has already been written or are you your own author?

But I'm just as guilty of this whole selective reasoning. I like to think that my successes are down to hard work, but that some kind of destiny strings the whole thing together. I don't really know how else to explain certain seemingly random happenings. I'm talking about the kind of things that seem to happen without warning, the land-mines that make such a lasting impact, the events you can never predict.

I'd say there's a lot of my life that I didn't anticipate. This post is sparked by this strange feeling of shape shifting I've had recently. So much has changed over the past couple of years. I'd say it's all been change for the better, I am happy with the direction I'm facing and I think the future looks good. But....ah it's tricky to explain.

If there is a story already written out there, I'd like to take  a sneaky peak at the next couple of chapters.

It's something.

Do you think it's normal to want to cut yourself off from everyone completely?
Not because there's anything wrong, or because anyone in particular has done you wrong, but just because you feel like you need the silence.

I mean there's never any consistency with it, but right now it feels as if there's a new idea growing, but it isn't keen on company. Sometimes it feels as if the idea is pulled from somewhere far away, towards me. Other times, like in this case, it's more like I feel the need to retreat inwards and discover it.

There are times when I've felt too alone, and there are times when I've felt so close to other people that I've felt like escaping away. I can't see the sense in it, so I can't really explain it to you, but all I do know is that somethings happening.

It's something about loops, and time, and history. I got a tattoo in Brighton and on that Wednesday morning around 11:30am on the drizzly sea-front I bumped into a guy I used to work with in my home town. He recognised me but couldn't place my name, I remembered him and we talked only briefly. How strange to meet someone who knew the 6 years ago me, when I was just starting out in the world of work. It feels as if time is playing tricks with me, there have been a few instances of the past coming back to haunt me, or perhaps remind me, either of who I was then, or who I've become.

Right now there's a guy out there listening to an album I first heard when I was at that same first job. I know this because I learnt it to him, and he just informed me that he was about to embark on this particular journey or discovery.

I've always liked the idea that there are other realities out there. That there are other versions of yourself, living out the other lives you could have experienced had your choices been different. Our 'other sides' are often spoke about. We can be 'two faced' when we're lying to someone, we can use our 'phone voice' when we want to embody some kind of hyper professional persona. I've a family nickname, my name's Victoria but most people call me Tori. I feel different depending on what I wear, the music I listen to, whether or not I have to go to work, or meet up with an old friend, or a new one. Then there's the side of me that can love, the side that paints, the daughter, sister, friend.

I try to bring the whole bunch together, because I think it's when I start to feel fragmented that I want to run, to just reject everything and start again. But I do find that difficult because I think I rely on these different versions, I know that if something doesn't go well, I can climb out of that version and leave it behind - like one Russian doll is housed inside the other.

Or maybe this is all utter trash, I don't know, I said this space would be best used for the more aimless thoughts. I think the new idea might be about pulling it all together, or blending the past and the future. Blurring the joins. Hmmm. Yeah, I'm beginning to see it.

Other...?

It's a recent thing but lately I've been feeling uneasy about the mix of my blog posts. When I started blogging a few years back, it was with the intention of writing about my art and the things that inspired me. The content would sometimes get quite personal, but I considered it worth including, because in truth, every single cell of a person's life has the potential to inspire.

But.

Lately I've been trying to get a few different projects on the go, whether that's been new art or my trying to gain a tattooing apprenticeship. I've been blogging about all these things, which is fine, but when I've felt that 'I just wanna write about this freaky thought' feeling, I've been reluctant to post it.

I think perhaps now is the time to separate out some of the more random and sprawling posts from the artistically-led ones. It just seems to make good sense to me, especially if I'm now linking prospective mentors to my website and my blog. My art based posts tend to be pretty personal anyway, and that'll always be the case. But I think for the times when I'm really feeling that artist crazy, I'll keep it here, in this Other space.

That's the plan anyway, and it serves as a brief introduction into this blog. Let's see how it goes.