It's something.

Do you think it's normal to want to cut yourself off from everyone completely?
Not because there's anything wrong, or because anyone in particular has done you wrong, but just because you feel like you need the silence.

I mean there's never any consistency with it, but right now it feels as if there's a new idea growing, but it isn't keen on company. Sometimes it feels as if the idea is pulled from somewhere far away, towards me. Other times, like in this case, it's more like I feel the need to retreat inwards and discover it.

There are times when I've felt too alone, and there are times when I've felt so close to other people that I've felt like escaping away. I can't see the sense in it, so I can't really explain it to you, but all I do know is that somethings happening.

It's something about loops, and time, and history. I got a tattoo in Brighton and on that Wednesday morning around 11:30am on the drizzly sea-front I bumped into a guy I used to work with in my home town. He recognised me but couldn't place my name, I remembered him and we talked only briefly. How strange to meet someone who knew the 6 years ago me, when I was just starting out in the world of work. It feels as if time is playing tricks with me, there have been a few instances of the past coming back to haunt me, or perhaps remind me, either of who I was then, or who I've become.

Right now there's a guy out there listening to an album I first heard when I was at that same first job. I know this because I learnt it to him, and he just informed me that he was about to embark on this particular journey or discovery.

I've always liked the idea that there are other realities out there. That there are other versions of yourself, living out the other lives you could have experienced had your choices been different. Our 'other sides' are often spoke about. We can be 'two faced' when we're lying to someone, we can use our 'phone voice' when we want to embody some kind of hyper professional persona. I've a family nickname, my name's Victoria but most people call me Tori. I feel different depending on what I wear, the music I listen to, whether or not I have to go to work, or meet up with an old friend, or a new one. Then there's the side of me that can love, the side that paints, the daughter, sister, friend.

I try to bring the whole bunch together, because I think it's when I start to feel fragmented that I want to run, to just reject everything and start again. But I do find that difficult because I think I rely on these different versions, I know that if something doesn't go well, I can climb out of that version and leave it behind - like one Russian doll is housed inside the other.

Or maybe this is all utter trash, I don't know, I said this space would be best used for the more aimless thoughts. I think the new idea might be about pulling it all together, or blending the past and the future. Blurring the joins. Hmmm. Yeah, I'm beginning to see it.